A CHeruB (lostcherub) wrote in theinnocent,
A CHeruB

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11:05, December 21, 2012

The engine continued to drone on, and I sit here surrounded by the idea of my life. I can't help but remember all those happy times, all the moments I thought would never end. I find it funny now, thinking about it all, we were so young and nave. Everything allways seemed so much bigger then us, somehow it all ment more then we could imagine. For the most part everything did dig deeper into our emotions then we could comprehend, maybe that's why it hurt so badly so oftenly, it was too much for us. No one could ever really put a finger on what it was between us, I say it was loyalty.
"I remember the first time Jonny hugged me; Erin's birthday. It was so odd to me, it was only the second time I had ever seen him and he wanted a hug. He was on his way out the door and to be honest it was just a quick one. I couldn't begin to imagine how normal that would become, and how much I would crave it after a while. I never hugged anyone before I met Erin and Jonny. I don't ever remember hugging any of my other friends, let alone my family. And I never said 'I love you' before I met them either. As it stands now I have only said it to Jonny, I think it's because my family always thought it wasn't necessary, so now it just sounds so fake to me, like an act."
"Brittnee was there too, she had been my best friend for years. I met her before middle school and we had been connected at the hip ever since. I never really told her anything though. Brittnee never knew about my unbeliavable pain through out middle school. I never told her about beating my head on the slate entry hall until I passed out, I never told her about my many suicide plots, or when I would just cry for hours. I was lonely back then, I allways wanted someone to hug or to show me they honestly cared. I hid behind a plastic smile then. And no one ever knew the difference.Suddenly there we were having the most eventful evening of our lives, sitting in a room of incredible people and someone wanted my hug. I could not explain the feeling, someone actualy wanting to hold me for a fraction of a sigh."
The thought consumes me. Someone wanting to hug me. For years I had wished for this, for years I had dreamed about someone actualy asking me and wanting it. And here I am having the most wonderous night of my life sitting in a room full of people I never wanted to forget, hugging the first person to treat me as something beyond a sexuality. I still remember the way it felt, the way it smelled, how happy it made me. I see that night now, as the beginning of me being free. It was the night I tore my plastic smile from my face and shattered my porceline image, that was the night I finaly let someone see my sadness.
"So.... He hugged you. I don't understand."
"I don't suppose you would. How could you. It was the idea of it. That for years I had wished for it, and I had cried for it, and I had bleed for it. There it was. Thrown at my feet so simply and so earnistly, just laying there for me to grab up in my trembling hands. The one thing I wanted more then anything, more then my own life I wanted it. Jonny gave it to me, the first dream he would hand to me."
Silence stirs uneasily in this cab. I know that kind lady is playing over stories of her love lost, fighting to relate to me, to understand. But I have lost all hope in making her understand. "
The tension and unsaid vows between the three of us were unbearable. Sometimes the air could inspire an audible sigh, even an unknowing stare. No one could imagine what lingered in that air, or all the things that could have been, or could not have been.

I will do some more later.
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